LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 

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THE GREAT QUACKQUA; 



OR 



Brothers of the Shadow. 



■^«»«»- 



A BURLESQUE OPERETTA. 



«+»»»»» 



IE TWO ACTS. 



«#•#»»» 



by a. j. requier 



< i^'» 



1880. 



J 



Entered, according to the Act of Congress, in the year Eighteen hundred and eighty, 

By A. J. Requier, 
In the Office of the Librarian of Congress, at Washington. 



r\ . •> 



I 
>5> 






PERSONS OF THE DRAMA. 

Psychological Quackqua, and Head of the Council. 
Astronomical Qq. 
Geological Qq. 

MlNERALOGICAL Qq. 

Physiological Qq„ 

Botanical Qq. 

Optical Qq. 

Chemical Qq. 

Archaeological Qq. 

Therapeutical Qq. 

Chronological Qq. 

Electrical Qq. 

Priscilla, and Eleven other School Girls. 

Edwin, and Eleven other Students. 

Three Little Fathers. 

Three Little Mothers. 

Flipperty Flip, Esquire. 

A Boy attending on Him. 

Old Door Keeper. 

Procession of Students, Musicians, Messenger, etc. 



. THE GREAT QUACKQUA; 

OR, 
BROTHERS OF THE SHADOW. 



ACT I. 



Scene 1. — A room in a public building, wherein twelve arm 
chairs are disposed in a semi-circle, the central one being much- 
larger than the others, and having a round table in front of it, 
heavily draped, on which are confusedly deposited globes, maps, 
sextants, telescopes, barometers and other scientific appliances. On 
the right of each chair, and at an outward angle sufficiently oblique 
to enable the audience to see what is reflected in it, is a cheval-glass; 
that of the middle chair being larger than the rest. 

Enter Psychological Qq., followed by eleven other Qqs., old 
gentlemen most whimsically attired, each blowing his oivn little 
trumpet, (a toy horn), and all wearing tall fooVs-caps, whereon the 
following inscriptions, in conspicuous letters, severally appear, 
namely : " Dead Psychology," " Dead Astronomy," " Dead 
Geology," " Dead Physiology," ''Dead Mineralogy," " Dead 
Botany" " Dead Optics," "Dead Chemistry," "Dead Arche- 
ology," " Dead Therapeutics," " Dead Chronology" " Live Elect- 
ricity." They march, around the stage, singing in chorus : 

We are the sons of the Great Quackqua, 

Great Quackqua ! Great Quackqua ! 
From the crooks of the Poles to the realms of the Shah, 
Kealms of the Shah ! Eealms of the Shah ! 

Tiralira-la-la ! 
No man can stand up who shall say us nay, 
Or put his proboscis across our way ; 
For with book and with bell, 
And a mighty ground-swell, 



6 

On his head and his heels 
And his cups and his meals, 

With terrific eclat ! 
We shall open the seals 
And launch the anathema, 

Ha-hah ! 
We shall open the seals, 
And launch the anathema ! 
After singing they occiqyy the chairs, the leader filling the central 
one. 
Psycho. Qq., (rising.) This speech and those following are accom- 
panied by low melodramatic music. Illustrious co-laborers and 
representatives of the Great Quackqua : In preparing for this 
notable assemblage of our sublime fraternity, we have not been 
unmindful of that precious experience which the esteemed 
skeleton, Coleridge, has expressed in these memorable words : 
"I once knew a man who was so far advanced in self-esteem 
that he never mentioned himself without taking his hat off ;" 
and we have accordingly provided each member of this Gen- 
eral Council with a large looking-glass, placed in easy reach of 
his chair, for the greater convenience of self-adoration. 
Chorus of the members, looking admiringly into the mirrors, and 
dancing while they sing. They resume their seats at the close. 
Not a fetish on a shelf, 
But the perfect god of self, 
Each illuminated elf 

There sees ! There sees \ 
Each illuminated elf 
There sees ! 
My heart glows,my tongue trembles,and my very small clothes 
coruscate, when I consider the progress we have made, the ob- 
stacles we have surmounted and the wonders we have achieved 
during the last half a century (.Hear, hear). To be sure, these 
successes have, in some trifling particulars, such as the appli- 
cation of steam to the purposes of travel by land and water 
the invention and operation of the electric telegraph across 
the continents and below the seas, and other things which it 



would be tedious to enumerate, proceeded more directly and 
practically from persons who were not, strictly speaking, mem- 
bers of our order, and whom (gently reversing the cruelty of 
superstitious ages, by saving the body to burn the soul, instead 
of burning the body to save the soul), we — ahem! — I may say, 
temporarily disciplined with conservative opposition ; but it 
must never be lost sight of, that, when a great thing was, in spite 
of us, finally accomplished, and there was no possibility of 
denying it, some one or more members of our disinterested 
fraternity always stepped forward to claim the credit of having 
known it all the time, while the Great Quackqua stretched out 
its benevolent arms to the successful experimenter, and gener- 
ously exclaimed : " We forget all that you have suffered, and 
wipe out all that we have done : give us the lion's share ! " 
Chorus. And so ride without remorse 

Everybody else's horse, 

Till it comes to be a corse 
At last ! At last ! 

Till it comes to be a corse 
At last ! 
And now the very pinnacle of our sublime isolation has been 
reached, and ages of conserved wisdom and correlated force 
result magnificently in this, — that we don't believe in anything 
at all ! (Sensation, hear hear.) 

But this Paradise is suddenly threatened with signs of disturb- 
ance ! There are omens in the air ! Mysterious concatenations 
of undeveloped casualty all around ! The Pope of Rome has his 
eye on us ; the Lamas of Thibet and Tartar}* are uncoiling 
their cobra-capellos ; and the Holy Patriarch of all the Russias 
has taken off both his homicidal slippers, and, dancing, dares 
us to a triangulated fight ! Do ye blench, Quackquas ? By 
my halidom, he bites the edge of my relentless books, who, in 
this crisis of our common fate, shall not stand square ! 
Chorus. By the sempiternal hooks 

Of the devil's fabled cooks, 

Such a threat of all his books 
Is dire ! Is dire ! 



8 

Such a threat of all his books 
Is dire ! 
We must take counsel of prudence before the general smash. 
We have committed indiscretions in the past, which must be 
rectified in the future. Some of you have an insane fondness 
for predicting meteoric showers which never come to pass, to 
the scandal of Science, and the sensible diminution of the pro- 
ceeds of evening lectures. The meteors must be let alone, and 
the showers stopped ! 
Chorus. By the protoplastic Powers, 

These prognosticated showers 
That the Quackqua overpowers, 

Must go ! Must go ! 
These prognosticated showers 
Must go ! 
Others — ah, you needn't try to dodge the thunderbolt ! — I see 
that astronomical Quackqua with his head down — others, I 
say, write too many letteis to the newspapers, pre-tending Sci- 
ence, and zVtencling advertisement. The job's overdone ! The 
editorial mind is off balance, and swaying like an ocean with a 
sinister bend. I tell you, they see it ; and, if it goes on much 
longer, they won't see it. I feel the crash in my bones ! It's 
a horrible commercial sensation. The staff of life is at stake. 
The very alphabet of Knowledge shivers in the wind ! No 
free advertisement, no Quackqua ! 
Chorus. There are whispers in the air, 

They will charge us by the square, 
Which they know it isn't fair 

To do ! To do ! 
Which they know it isn't fair 
To do ! 
Another thing! Yenus is a dangerous divinity ! Nobody 
ever saw her decently clothed since she took it into her head 
to jump out of the water. She ought to go back ; but she 
won't ! Too many nightingales ! Excessive sentimental evo- 
lution leads to domestic revolution ! A word to the wise. 
No more Persians ! Down with the Shah ! 



Chorus. No voluptuary Shah, 

Quite as much of a papa 
As in Bourreboolegah 

They be ! They be ! 
As in Bourreboolegah 
They be ! 

And now, having unburdened my brains for the edification of 
the brotherhood, let us proceed to business. (Raps ivith his 
gavel three times). Attention, Quackquas ! (Looks at a booh). 
In the order of business prescribed for this extraordinary con- 
vocation, the first point is, " Resolutions and discussions 
touching momentous topics." Come on with your topics ! 
(Resumes his seat.) 

Geolog. Qq. (vising). Mighty head ! As chairman of a com- 
mittee appointed at the last conference of this honorable body, 
I desire to present a report, embodying certain fundamental 
propositions, in the form of a brief preamble and resolutions, 
on which the members of your committee are unanimously 
agreed. (Reads paper). 

" Whereas, Certain pernicious ideas — relics of barbarism 
and instruments of priestly persecution— have, for many ages, 
been widely diffused among mankind, and are especially 
championed by adherents of what is commonly known as the 
Christian faith, such as a belief in some unknown aud unknow- 
able anthropomorphite Power, supposed to be revealed in a 
certain book or books ; a farther belief in the accountability of 
the so-called Human Soul in an inconceivable future state ; and 
a still farther belief, mischievously resulting from those just 
mentioned, that it is the highest aspiration and principal duty 
of man, to do unto others as he would have others do unto 
him, all of which is contrary to the spirit, the principles and 
the tendencies of Modern Science, and the mere inventions 
of priestcraft. Therefore, be it resolved, 

First — That what the Great Quackqua doesn't know, is un- 
knowable and not worth knowing ; and, though the earth has 
existed for myriads of years, (a fig for Genesis !), and men, 
during all that time, have had language, laws, society, govern- 



10 

ment, arts, and civilization of some kind, and also, in the main, 
wore clothes, — yet no positive truth was ever conceived or 
formulated until about a century ago, when the foundations of 
the Great Quackqua were laid in the throes of the French 
Revolution, and a temple to Reason first erected. (Hear, hear.) 

Second — That the Egyptian Pyramids have been standing 
too long ; and tending, as they do, to unsettle men's minds? 
and to provoke grave professors to divers profanations and 
sometimes violent breaches of the public peace, ought to be 
pulled down as expeditiously as possible ; and that there are 
other irritating old buildings, still crouched upon the earth, 
constructed, no doubt, by ingeniously tantalizing antediluvian 
apes, with a turn for hieroglyphics and architecture, and to 
amuse themselves in the intervals between crunching cocoa- 
nuts, which ought to share the same fate. 

(Sensation.) 

Third — That the great and last truth of all Modern Science 
and Civilization is, that the Universe is only one story high ; 
and that the Quackquas live, and have a right to live, in the top 
part of it. 

Fourth — That man is only a cultivated brute, whose imme- 
diate ancestor was an uncomprehended and most mysterious, 
but, as yet, undiscovered monkey. 

Fifth — That, being so, he ought not to go back on his 
ancestors ; but should, as a chimpanzee live, and like a gorilla 
die. (Great applause and cheers.) 

Sixth — That what is called the Golden Rule has, so far as 
known, never prevailed among his aforesaid ancestry of any 
kind ; but, on the contrary, the wiser one : every monkey, first 
and last, entirely and under all circumstances for himself; and 
we are thereby authorized to infer, that the mysterious and, 
as yet, undiscovered animal before mentioned, invariably did 
the same thing. 

Chokus. There be who call us flunkeys, 

And some believe us donkeys, 
But veritable monkeys 
We be ! we be ! 



11 

But veritable monkeys 
We be! 

Lastly — That by the noble theory of evolution, universally 
accepted throughout the Great Quackqua, all ancient fallacies 
are, at length, completely exploded ; and the torch of Science 
now gorgeously discloses, in their stead, this trinity of im- 
perishable truths : first, that one thing can come from another 
thing, which is actually greater than the thing it comes from ; 
secondly, that while the centre certainly springs from the circum- 
ference, the circumference as certainly springs out of itself ; and, 
finally, that the first cause of all things, is a pure force. 

(Great applause, and cries of "bravo") 

Elec. Qq. (rising). Mighty head! I rise to a conundrum. 
(Sensation). If mechanical force is the force of solids, hydraulic 
force the force of water, aerial force the force of air, and every 
other force the force of something — what is a pure force the 
force of? (Groans and movements of indignation.) 

Psyc. Qq. Cousin of Buckingham, I answer you in the words 
of the greatest of all skeletons, Shakespeare, " Thou troublest 
me ; I am not in the vein ! " 

Elec. Qq. (continuing.) The answer is — nothing ! 

(Cries and groans.) 

Psyc. Qq. If you say another word, I'll call in a medical ex- 
pert ! ( Great applause.) 

Elec. Qq. Who believes in a medical expert ? 

Psyc. Qq. All the courts, some of the juries and none of the 
lawyers. Messenger ! {calling out). [Enter Messenger.] Bring 
me a nice little medical expert ; (aside) and find out how many 
cases he has sworn through, scientifically, before you engage 
him. [Exit Messenger.] 

Elec. Qq. Then I withdraw the conundrum ; and move to 
amend the resolutions, so that they shall read, at the close, as 
follows: " First, that all past experience and present observation 
triumphantly establish, that water has always risen and must 
always rise higher than its source ; secondly, that you can 
pour out something from a pitcher when there is nothing to 
pour out in it ; and finally, that a pure force is a pure humbug ! 



12 

{Great consternation and confusion, groans and cries 
of "put Mm out ! ") 
Qqs. Question ! question ! (amid great confusion). 
Psyc. Qq. Is the convention ready for the question ? [cries of 
" yes" " yes" " question ! ") All those in favor of adopting the 
proposed amendment, will signify the same by saying aye! (all 
the members except the Physiological Qq. answer •" aye ! "loudly 
and emphatically.) All those against it, no! 
Physio. Qq. (In a loud voice) No ! 
Psyc. Qq. (aside.) Little joker! " Ay, is it so? 
Then wakes the power which in the age of iron 
Bursts forth to curb the great and raise the low. 
Mark where he stands." Richelieu, act fourth, scene first, 
with a slight variation. I'll bowl him down ! Genius of all the 
party conventions, without distinction of party, sustain me while 
I do it. (^iloud and drawing himself up with much dignity.) 
The amendment seems to be lost — (he pauses and looks around). 
It is lost ! (Raps three times with his gavel.) 

Elec. Qq. I appeal from the decision of the chair. 

Psyc. Qq. The distinguished member from the clouds is out 

of order. (Hisses and applause.)^ 

Physio. Qq. (approaching Electrical Qq. in a rage and, shah- 

ing his fist.) I denounce } r ou and defy your polarities ! You're 

an apostate and a kickaboo ! 

Elec. Qq. Oh ! that the skies would open, and shed upon 
these Bedlamites one ray of common sense ! 
(At the tvords "common sense" a flash of lightning, accompanied 
by thunder, strikes the Physiological Qq. and he falls pros- 
trate and insensible, his Jiat becoming detached. The Qqs. rush 
around him, and, after hastily examining his body, sing the 
folloiviny chorus) : 
Chorus. Oh ! to kill a Quackqua so, 

By a word without a blow, 
Is an Illiad of woe 

Indeed ! indeed ! 
Is an Illiad of wo a 
Indeed ! 



13 

They form a semi-circle around the body, with the Psycho- 
logical Qq. in the centre. 
Psyc. Qq. Brothers, in burning opposition to Faith, Hope 
and Charity : It becomes ray sad duty to deliver a funeral ora- 
tion over the remains of our lamented friend. To his family 
and connections, (always excepting his mother-in-law), it ought 
to be, and, after a while, doubtless will be, a sufficient conso- 
lation to know that he has become a highly respected skeleton. 
For that purpose, we shall have his body dissected as expedi- 
tiously as possible. His life was short and his labors very 
long. From an early period of his career, he began to soar 

into the infinite abyss. He went rather down than up. 

He was a physiologist ; and, having carefully examined the 
human cadaver with microscopes, he found that all the nerves 
were tubes ; and, instead of yielding to the grovelling doctrine 
that these tubes were not purposeless, and might contain an 
electrical and indestructible animal in them, he bravely con- 
tended that they were merely conductors of molecular vibra- 
tions, which vibrations constituted life. From this, he very 
naturally passed to a microscopic examination of broken-down 
steam engines ; and, applying the same brilliant theory, with 
the sympathy of every loyal scientist, to that mechanism, he 
pronounced all boilers to be a superfluity and an impertinence ; 
and was on the eve of establishing, at the time of his cruel 
martyrdom by the arch-enemy of all Quackquas, that the sup- 
posed generation of vapour, or application to the engine of 
a power different from, and entirely independent of, itself, as 
its sole motor, was all a mistake, because, in point of fact, the 
vibrations of the metallic particles or molecules of the machin- 
ery supplied, of themselves, the necessary force. He has 
fallen in the very crisis and culmination of this great discov- 
ery ; and at a moment when, so to speak, he was waving all his 
flags, and trampling upon hot water, before a world gone mad 
on steam. 
Chorus. He could prove that all the steam 

Of the engine was a dream, 

And but came out of seam, 



14 

Just so ! just so ! 
And but came out of a seam, 
Just so ! 

Psyc. Qq. However unaccustomed to public singing, it now 
becomes us, on this solemn occasion, to intone a dirge. 

Sings, he and all the Qqs. applying their handkerchiefs to their 
eyes, and accasionally sobbing. The drum fills up the inter- 
vals of song with the long funeral roll. 

His sad fate we bemoan, 

And our aching eyes are wet, — 
Let the trumpet and trombone 

Tell the shrieking clarionet ! 
Cut off in his young dream 

Of steam engines without any steam ! 

Chorus. Cut off in his young dream 

Of steam engines without any steam ! 

From dirt he sprang, and back 

With the dirt he goes to mingle, — 

Let the drum-sticks give a whack 
And the sharp triangles tingle ! 
Chorus. Cut off in his sweet dream 

Of steam engines without any steam ! 

Thus, Science mourns her dead, 

Still contemning consolations, — 
Let the hautboys march ahead 

Of the flute-drawn insufflations ! 
Chorus. Cut off in his bright dream 

Of steam engines without any steam ! 

O, dread and bolted word ! 

To us all a fatal crash, — 
Let the violin's wildest bird 

Cross the cymbal's fiery clash ! 
Chorus. Cut off in Life's first dream 

Of steam engines without any steam ! 



15 

Thera. Qq. Mighty Head ! It is barely possible that our un- 
fortunate brother may be only stunned ; and, with your per- 
mission, I will whisper something into his loyal ear, which, by 
shocking the system, may restore the molecular motions. 
Pysc. Qq. Try it instantly, E&culapian giant ! 
Thera. Qq. (bending over the body mid screaming in the ear 
nearest him). The missing link is found ! 

Physi. Qq. (sitting up). Hah ! Is he tailless ? 
Thera Qq. Yes ! 
Physi. Qq. Not even a stump ? 
Thera. Qq. No! 

Physi. Qq. By the final test of the microscope ? 
Thera. Qq. and all the others. Yes ! 

Physi. Qq. (rising in great excitement). Then there is something 
worth living for, after all! I revive. The vibrations are lively. 
Bring me my little model and my magnifying glasses! and I shall 
yet prove to the world that engines move of themselves, in 
themselves and by themselves ; and that the separate existence 
of steam is a contemptible delusion. ( 'They hand him a toy engine 
and microscope.) Now, shall I set down that unmannerly mis- 
creant who, when I first broached this great theory, said I was 
not a live man, and had been dead for forty years, though I 
didn't know it ! 

Psyc. Qq. (Picking up and tendering him his fooCs-cap). 
Learned brother ! As the accredited representative and head of 
Modern Materialistic Science, let me now restore to you her 
peculiar crown, as to one best fitted, in every respect, to wear it. 
Puts it on his head, amid applause from the Qqs., and sings : 
For a royal coronation, 
After this resuscitation, 
Chorus. Let the braying of the asses, 

Now reflected in the glasses, 

Keep time ! 
Hee-haw ! hee-haw ! 
And Folly's jingling bells, 
In Lilliputian swells, 
Outchime ! 



16 



In the sight of every nation 
Of a circumscribed creation, 
Chorus. Let the braving of the asses, 

Now reflected in the glasses, 

Keep time ! 
Hee-haw ! hee-haw ! 
And Folly's jingling bells, 
In Lilliputian swells, 

Outchime ! 

With unproved asseverations 
And imperious calculations, 
Chorus. Let the braying of the asses, 

Now reflected in the glasses, 

Keep time ! 
Hee-haw ! hee-haw ! 
And Folly's jingling bells, 
In Lilliputian swells, 

Outchime ! 

As we crown with adulation, 
Our perfected incarnation, 
Chorus. Let the braying of the asses, 

Now reflected in the glasses, 

Keep time ! 
Hee-haw ! hee-haw ! 
And Folly's jingling bells, 
In Lilliputian swells, 
Outchime ! 
Physi. Qq. bows low to the Qqs., and, advancing, sings : 
I am a Quackqua, alive and gay, 
In a faint, fossiliferous sort of way ; 
And my germ-cells glisten and ganglions glow, 
Though the rascal said, I was stone dead 
Over forty years ago ! 
Chorus by all the Qqs., each looking at Itimself in his mirror, and 
gesticulating, ivhile singing : 

Though the rascal said, we were stone dead 



17 



Over forty years ago ! 

As a Qnackqua true, I believe in mud ; 
But not in a universal flood, 
Or other impossible overflow, 
Though the rascal said, I was stone dead 
Over forty years ago ! 
Chorus. Though the rascal said, we were stone dead 
Over forty years ago ! 

But still I can see, how once an ark, 
In years gone by, shot out of the Dark, 
Full of live animals, as you know, 
Though the rascal said, I was stone dead 
Over forty years ago ! 
Chorus. Though the rascal said, we were stone dead 
Over forty years ago ! 

And how the animals, taken through, 
Came forth together, two and two — 
The elephant tripping beside the doe, 
Though the rascal said, I was stone dead 
Over forty years ago ! 
Chorus. Though the rascal said, we were stone dead 
Over forty years ago ! 

So, Positive Science has sweated blood, 
To find that an Ark without any Flood, 
Is the secret of secrets men can know, 
Though the rascal said, I was stone dead 
Over forty years ago ! 
Chorus. Though the rascal said, we were stone dead 
Over forty years ago ! 

And you see, by this defamer's leave, 
There are truths which a wise man can believe, 
Though to vulgar minds as black as crow ; 
Whence the rascal said, I was stone dead, 
Over forty years ago ! 



18 

Chorus. Whence the rascal said, we were stone dead 
Over forty years ago ! 

How to live in houses that havn't been thatched, 
And to count on chickens before they are hatched, 
Are things the Great Quackqua delights to show, 
Sneers the wretch who said, I was stone dead 
Over forty years ago ! 
Chorus. Sneers the wretch who said, we were stone dead 
Over forty years ago ! 

And now, we challenge the world's applause, 
By a grand Effect devoid of Cause ! 
And my germ-cells glisten and ganglions glow, 
Though the villian said, I was stone dead 
Over forty years ago ! 
Chorus. Though the villian said, we were stone dead 
Over forty years ago ! 

Enter old door-keeper, with great 'precipitation 

Mighty head ! A crowd of young girls, wild as Arabs, belong- 
ing to the boarding school upstairs, are beseiging the entrance 
to this hall. There ! you can hear them. (Laughter and shouts 
of girls outside). They have forced their way and are coming 
upon you ! 

[Exit old DOOR-KEEPER. 

Psyc. Qq. Hah ! The enemy and in force. " Discretion is the 
better part of valor ! " Get behind the glasses, and carefully 
conceal your little trumpets. 

(The Qqs. hide back of the mirrors.) 
Enter Priscilla and eleven other school girls, laughing and shout- 
ing. They rush to the mirrors and admire themselves in 
mimic show. A Mirror Dance folloivs ; then, peeping be- 
hind and discovering the Qqs., they utter startled screams and 
fly to one side of the stage. The Qqs. emerge from their hiding 
places, and form themselves on the other side, so that each Qq. 
has a girl vis-a-vis. 






19 

Qqs. (sing together). What girls are these ? 
Girls (sing together). Artless maidens! And what men, you? 
Qqs. (sing together). Childless widowers ! 
Chorus of Girls. What is it occasions, 

Our sweet palpitations, 
O ! aged Adonises funny to see ? 
Chorus of Qqs. How worse than traducers, 

These youthful seducers, 
Who come to compel us to bend them the knee ! 
Both sing. We agree ! 

'Tis the fault of the glasses, 
That brought in the lasses, 
For lasses and glasses together should be ! 
For lasses and glasses together should be ! 

Chorus of Girls. Mahomet and mountains, 

Narcissus and fountains, 
This new style of hats is suggesting to me ! 
Chorus of Qqs. Such thrills are alarming, 

The serpents are charming — 
The serpents entwined on this blossoming tree ! 
Both sing We agree ! 

'Tis the fault of the glasses, 
That brought in the lasses, 
For lasses and glasses together should be ! 
For lasses and glasses together should be ! 

Chorus of Girls. The book-worming boosters, 

We'll turn them to roosters, 
Enchanted by damsels whose fancies are free ! 
Chorus of Qqs. The glamour is growing, 

We'll soon get to crowing, 
Like white-feathered bantams that blustering flee ! 
Both sing. We agree ! 

'Tis the fault of the glasses, 
That brought in the lasses, 
For lasses and glasses together should be ! 
For lasses and glasses together should be ! 



20 

Chorus of Girls. Come Cupid, attendant 

On Yenus resplendent, 
Fresh-cradled in foam of a milliner's sea ! 
Chorus of Qqs. The wierd fascination 

Is more than cremation, 
And bids me surrender, sweet sybil, to thee ! 
(Each Qq. kneels to the opposite lady.) 
(Both sing, the Qqs. rising, and each taking the opposite lady's 

hand.) 

We agree ! 
"lis the fault of the glasses, 
That brought in the lasses, 
For lasses and glasses together should be ! 
For lasses and glasses together should be ! 
(They dance to the same air, while the curtain falls.) 

End of First Act. 



ACT II. 



Scene I. — An elegantly furnished drawing-room in the residence 
of FriscillaHs parents, festooned ivith floicers, and otherwise gorge- 
ously draped and, adorned as for a bridal occasion. A broad, 
arched casement, in the rear, opens upon a balcony, and discloses be- 
yond, a boulevard running beside it, and the towered buildings and 
massive walls of a college and grounds adjoining, with long lines of 
dim street lamps in perspective. The night is dark, and the struc- 
ture in gloom ; but one of the ivindows in the second story is lighted 
from within. A small ornamental table is placed near the casement. 

Enter Priscilla, habited as a bride, and Edwin, in party cos- 
tume. 

Pris. — Well, but my dear boy, this is getting critical. We 
are standing on an isthmus no wider than a bonnet string. 

Edw. Yes, and slippery as glass. 

Pris. Exactly : wherefore those delicate little — well, what 



21 

shall I call them? — tricks is an ugly word — let us say refine- 
ments of maidenly reserve, which are usually practised on 
these solemn occasions, must give way to — to plain English. 

Edw. Eight. But you forget that I don't know the whole 
story, and, son to a scientist though I am, I can't build a plan 
out of nothing. 

Pris. Oh ! that's soon told. It's very short. First, then 
when school let out at the Institute, two days ago, we girls 
rushed helter-skelter, upon a mad frolic, into the large hall on 
the ground floor of the same building, where your father and 
other scientists were holding a grand convention, and 

Edw. You've told me that much a hundred times ! 

Pris. Don't try to be a bear when you are only a little beau. 
A woman must tell her own stories in her own way ; and, when 
your mustaches a.ie fully developed, you'll find out that the 
shortest w T ay is not to interrupt her. AVell — where was I ? — 
yes ! we rushed into the room, and so electrified and cajoled 
and sung to the old fellows, that they followed us home, and 
then — horrors ! — having fallen desperately in love with us, they 
went in p hand- gallop to our parents, who, in another hand- 
gallop, (influenced, as they said, by motives of the purest solic- 
itude — that is, bonds, stocks, cash, real estate, and other 
romantic emotions, condensed into ante -nuptial settlements) — 
engaged that we should, all of us, marry them, out of hand, 
this very evening, in this very house. So, here we are, a baker's 
dozen of foolish virgins, decked for the &ltar; the house fixed 
up ; ministers expected sometime in the next hour ; and our 
hearts utterly broken by donations of jewelry, and a trip to 
Paris, in short perspective. 

Edw. But didn't you tell your father that you were engaged 
to me, and the rest of the girls to other students in my class ? 

Pris. Of course, I did. 

Edw. And what did he say to that? 

Pris. He put on a beastly expression, snapped his fingers in 
the air, and said, " Grasshoppers ! " 

Edw. Did he call me a grasshopper ? 

Pris. He did, in tones of unmistakable sincerity. 



22 

Edw. And you, the dreams of our souls for three long weeks, 
to whom we have sent bags, and even baskets, of assorted con- 
fectionery — not to mention expensive crystallized fruit — you 
stood this ? " Frailty, thy name " 

Pbis. Don't quote that miserable thing ! Yes, we did ; but 
we knew that, by a marvellous concurrence of circumstances, 
you were the sons of the very governors to whom we were 
affianced in this violent and unexpected manner, and 

Edw. And, what then ? 

Pius. Well, then, we thought you would have the wit and the 
courage not to let us be sacrificed — to the wrong men. So we 
notified you promptly — every one of you — on gilt-edged paper, 
spelling the words out of the dictionary ; and if you haven't 
prepared for the emergency, then — then — though bitter the cup, 
and intolerable the agony, we must surrender to the jewelry, 
unconditionally, and be borne off captive, bung with eighteen- 
carat chains, to the French capital ! 

Edw. Come to my arms, my beloved ! I now see all the inno- 
cent purity of your soul. 

Pris. Yes, my own ; that is very fine ! But what I do not 
see, is the butter which is to beautify the parsnips. 

Edw. It is all cut and dried, heroic woman ! With your aid 
they shall, this night, give the jewelry, and ive — shall have the 
girls ! 

Pris. Now, Edwin, you are getting interesting. Tell me all 
about it, and be quick, for I am in mortal dread lest they leave 
the reception-room. There, don't you hear them? (Laughter 
and conversation are heard.) 

Edw. Do you see that window? (Pointing to the lighted 
window in the college building.) 

Pris, I do. 

Edw. Did you ever hear of Napoleon Bonaparte ? 

Pris. Oh, yes. He was an agriculturalist, wasn't he ? 

Edw. W T ell, — of a peculiar kind. He certainly broke up a 
great many fields, and did some harrowing work ; and, though 
not the first to fertilize with bones, he planted grenadier-hedges 
to perfection, and grew some dazzling varieties of princess- 



23 

feathers : but still, there is a common superstition that he was 
rather better at the sword than the pruning hook. Now, 
we are going to do something which this eccentric cultivator 
never did. We are going to shut up the enemy in his own 
fortifications, and carry off all the plunder in his camp ! 

Pkis. Go on, impassioned youth ; but remember, this is no 
time for prancing horses or propounding conundrums. 

Edw. Tnat room (pointing to the same ivindoiv), contains the 
official hats and gowns of the bridegrooms elect — who are 
never to be elected. It contains nothing else, except the parti- 
colored lanterns we used in our last festive procession. Be- 
sides these, it is occupied only by mice, dust and desolation. 
It has two doors, both leading into a hall, one on one side, and 
the other directly opposite. The gas fixture adjoins the second 
door. In any emergency,our venerable sires must be clad in the 
caps and robes of authorhVy : therefore, in any emergency, to 
that room they must go ; and, when they do, there may be 
hidden and malicious persons, who would immediately lock the 
door behind them, and, turning off the gas, do the same for the 
door in front. This done, the lions would be caged ! 

Ppjs. But all this depends on the emergency ? 

Edw. Precisely. Mark my words, — there will be a riot to- 
night ! 

Peis. Oh, you celestial fellow ! Why, this is the jolliest thing 
in the world. 

Edw. Get your parents out of the way— somewhow. Keep 
the governors entertained in this room. A torchlight pro- 
cession of students, singing a marching chorus, will pass the 
house in the direction of the Campus. Then, you will know 
the ball is about to commence. Then, presently, you will hear 
the first sounds of the riot; then, they will deepen ; then, the 
alarm-bell in the tower will ring ; then, they'll have to leave 5 
then, that light will suddenly go out ; and then, — you may ex- 
pect us all to carry off the prizes ! 

Pftis. Oh ! but how about the clergyman ? We can't get a 
minister. 

Edw. Yes, we can. One is already secured. Marriage is 



24 

a civil contract ; and we shall have a minister — of the law ! 
Pris. They are coming,at last. ( The sound of voices and laugh- 
ter is heard from persons approaching.) Heaven speed your 
plans, noble boy ! I felt it on the morning when first we met 
iu the ice-cream saloon — oh ! ever memorable luncheon — that 
you were Hercules himself, disguised in patent-leather boots ! 
Edw. (sings). Now they come, with hearts aglowing, 

But the doors shall deftly shut ! 
Pris. (sings.) They are coming without knowing 

How their combs are to be cut ! 
Both. Rat-a^plan ! rat-a-plan! 

Set the rallying taps at large, 
Drums deep-rolling ! 
Bells far-tolling, 
For the bugle sings the charge ! 

Tira-lira ! tira-lira ! 
Ha! ha! ha! ha! (laughter from ivithout). 
Rat-a-plan ! 
Tira-lira ! tira-lira ! 
Ha! ha! ha! ha! 
Rat-a-plan ! 
Edw. (sings.) Hands of lovers long before us, 

Beckon to the Campus-ground ! 
Pris. (sings). Which embattled shall restore us 

To the lovers latest found ! 
Both. Rat-a-plan! rat-a-plan! 

Set the rallying taps at large, 
Drums deep- rolling ! 
Bells far-tolling, 
For the bugle sings the charge ! 

Tira-lira ! tira-lira ! [still nearer. 

Ha! ha! ha! ha! {laughter from ivithout, and 
Rat-a-plan ! 
Tira-lira ! tira-lira ! 
Ha ! ha ! ha ! ha ! 
Rat-a-plan ! 

.[Exit Edwin. 



25 

Eider Quackquas and Girls; the former in burlesque evening cos- 
tume, and the latter attired as brides, and with them, three 

LITTLE FATHERS and THREE LITTLE MOTHERS, (boys and Cjlrls 

of about fourteen >j>ars), habited as middle-aged persons, in the 
elegant court dress of the dans of Louis XIV., with powdered 
hair, etc. They enter to the sound of promenade MUSIC, 
talking and laughing. 

Psyc. Qq. (to Priscilla.) Why, dearest one, we have missed 
you for a full quarter of an hour. What an age it has seemed 
to me ! Where have you been ? 

Pris. Oh ! I — I have been bathing my face with cologne 
water. 

Psyc. Qq. I look forward with unspeakable tenderness to 
the time, when it shall be my special and exclusive privilege, to 
purchase from the apothecary, and anoint your fair face with, 
that fragrant and refreshing distillation. 

Pris. Yes, sweet one, I can almost imagine that you are do- 
ing it now. A picture rises before me, fancy-painted ! I see a 
cosy boudoir. I recline on a chair (upholstered with blue satin 
damask) languidly, you know, but gracefully. Lamp shaded. 
Evening wrapper on, with delicately embroidered slippers that 
might have shod Cinderella ; while you — you have laid aside 
your wig, and, with brains clad in ivory, and a short, easy 
coat, of which the extremities, as you bend over me, shoot out 
at an angle of forty-five degrees, you officiate in the twofold 
capacity of hair-dresser and husband. 

Psyc. Qq. That is charming, love — perfectly enrapturing; 
but it seems you have observed that I — I wear — a wig. 
Never mind ! Wig or no wig, you are mine forever, or to be 
so shortly, in the bonds of the blessed estate. But — you were 
about singing for me, when you left the reception-room so 
suddenly, to 

Pris. To get the cologne water. 

Psyc. Qq. Ah ! yes ; the cologne water. You were about 
singing for me what you called a school-girl's song. Will you 
favor me now ? 



26 

Pkis. Certainly (dugs). 

I'm a bread and butter miss 
Who never had a kiss : 
I love the pearly brooks, 
But hate the dingy books ; 
And dote upon the flowers 
And summer-scented showers, 

Which embalm the ambuscaded bowers ! 

The exponent of the sine 
Is not at all divine, 
Nor geography and history, 
And other kinds of mystery, 
While I have much abuse 
And barely an excuse 

For the base of the hypothenuse! 

Besides, I know of spangles, 
And academic wrangles, 
Yery little about mangles, 
But everything of bangles ; 
And still avoid the tangles, 
W r hile I defy the dangles 

Of the tall isosceles triangles ! 

I want to be a belle, 

And something of a swell ; 

To drive a knobby team 

As sparkling as a dream ; 

But all my girlish pride 

Awakens at the side 

Of a young and lovely-looking bride! 
Psyc. Qq. That's a gem ! Pure and flawless. A scintillation 
of innocence and miracle of unsophistication ! I seemed to see 
you, as you sang, starting from the ambuscaded bowers, 
and driving a pony-phaeton, rattlingly, over the base of the 
hypothenuse, through the tangles of the triangles ! I never 
knew before there was so much poetry in the mathematics. 



27 

And now, friends {turning to the Qqs.), let us formally invest 
our affianced brides with the circlets which symbolize imper- 
ishable love. 

They form, with the girls, in two lines, having the little fathers and 
mothers beliveen them, at the farther extremity, and eaeh of 
the Qqs. produces, from his xods^cord pocket, a diamond ring, 
which he presents to his betrothed. 
Girls. Oh ! ah ! the beauty ! how it shines ! a dream ! a star ! 
Puis, (to Psychological Qq., while 'putting on her ring.) Loved 
one, my heart is too full to speak. You'll know better to-mor- 
row, how much I appreciate the gift. Then, indeed, and not 
till then, will you perfectly understand me. 
Psch. Qq. I flattered myself, when I selected the trifle, it was 
awfully nice. 

Pris. Why, have you, too, fallen under the shadow of that 
baleful part of speech? Everything, now-a-clays, is awful. 
Men, women, balls, parties, health, life, furniture, watches, 
baubles, and even babies — beatifically noseless cherubs, un- 
consciously smiling in the crib. And thinking of it, I feel as 
that loyal but hesitating lunatic at the play-house, by the 
name of Hamlet, appears to do, when, after raging under ex- 
aggerated plumes, he tells the footlights confidentially, 

" The times are out of joint. Oh ! cursed spite, 
That ever I was born to set it right ! " 

She sings. 

O ! what poet shall tell, in mellifluous rhymes, 
Of the awfullest things of these aw r fullest times? 
AVhich are awfully good and are awfully bad, 
And both awfully joyful and awfully sad : 
But from awful to awful, the awfullest thing, 
Is a school-girl deprived of a diamond ring ! 

All sing in chorus. 

But from awful to awful, the awfullest thing, 
Is a school-girl deprived of a diamond ring ! 



28 



Some are awfully short, and some awfully tall, 
Some are awfully large, others awfully small, 
Some are aw T fully fat and some awfully lean, 
Others awfully stupid and awfully keen : 
But from awful to awful, the awfullest thing, 
Is a school-girl deprived of a diamond ring ! 

All sing in chorus. 

But from awful to awful, the awfullest thing, 
Is a school-girl deprived of a diamond ring ! 

We have queenly coquettes that consummately trick, 

Being awfully well, and then awfully sick ; 

Who display at the balls the most awful of dresses, 

And repay their papas with more awful caresses : 

But from awful to awful, the awfullest thing, 

Is a school-girl deprived of a diamond ring ! 

All sing in chorus. 

But from awful to awful, the awfullest thing, 
Is a school-girl deprived of a diamond ring ! 

There are awfullest pictures and awfullest books, 

And awful repasts of impenitent cooks ; 

There are slim Grecian benders with awfullest backs, 

And awfullest brays of political hacks : 

But from awful to awful, the awfullest thing, 

Is a school-girl deprived of a diamond ring ! 

All sing in chorus. 

But from awful to awful, the awfullest thing, 
Is a school-girl deprived of a diamond ring ! 

O ! what poet shall tell, in selectest of rhymes, 
Of the awfullest things of these awfullest times? 
With extremes antithetical awfully twinned, 
And Society bent upon raising the wind : 
But from awful to awful, the awfullest thing, 
Is a school-girl deprived of a diamond ring ! 



29 

All sing in chorus. 

But from awful to awful, the awfullest thing, 
Is a school-girl deprived of a diamond ring ! 

At the close of the song, the Qqs. and their partners promenade and 
place themselves in a half circle, with their arms around the 
girls, on one side oj the stage, while the little fathers and mothers 
form a curved group on the other. 

Little fathers and mothers then together sing. 

They are gathered to their fathers, 

And with glee ! 
They are gathered to their fathers, 
So it be ! 

And we feel the time is coming, 
When we shall perceive the drumming 
Of babies agitated on the knee ! 

Girls sing. 

They are gathered to their fathers, 

And with glee ! 
They are gathered to their fathers, 

So it be ! 



All sing. 



They are gathered to their fathers, 
Thry are gathered to their fathers, 
They are gathered to their fathers, 
Let it be ! 



Girls sing. 



They are jolly little fathers ; 

All the three ! 
And most anxious little mothers, 
As they be ! 

And their hopes shall not miscarry, 
For we all intend to marry, 



30 

The first convenient chance that we can see! 

Little fathers and mothers sing. 

They are jolly little fathers, 

All the three ! 
And most anxious little mothers, 

As they be ! 

All sing. 

They are jolly little fathers, 
They are jolly little fathers, 
And most anxious little mothers, 
As can be ! 

After the chorus, they dance a parlor quadrille to the same air 
In the midst of this dance, the distant sound of a students' march- 
ing chorus, accompanied by a full band, is heard, and the 
Qqs abruptly stop, interrupting the dance, and evincing con- 
sternation and dismay. 

Prts. (to Psychological Qq.) Why are you so agitated, dear ? 

Psyc. (with great excitement). That chorus ! 

Pris. Why, it seems to affect you like the bite of a tarantula. 
It is nothing but a students' marching chorus. 

Psyc. Nuthing but a students' marching chorus ! What do 
you know about choruses ? It's a complicated subject and 
requires a profound knowledge of boys ! Of all the morbific 
appetites of man, a students' chorus is the worst. It generally 
begins with champagne and always ends in a row. 

Pris. Calm yourself, my sweet lamb (affectedly soothing and 
caressing him). It shall not have its poor little scientific head 
troubled by that horrid thing. There — there ! 

The sound of footsteps and singing gradually approaches nearer, so 
that the words of the singers become distinguishable. 

Psyc. Qq. Hah ! I knew it. They are singing that dark and 
bloody tragedy in the Greek alphabet. It never fails. There's 
a riot in the air ; and this night, too, of all nights in the year. 



31 

Oh ! if I only had the vagabonds in my clutches, I'd make 
them eat every word of that hideous song. We have stood it 
long enough. It must be indicted for arson, burglary, homicide, 
rebellion and treason, for it leads directly to them all. 

Pris. In the meantime, my dear, toe only see students, and 
hear a song; and are, therefore, going to look at the procession. 
There, girls (going towards the arched casement and spcaldng to 
her companions), you can see them turning the corner. They 
are coming towards the house ; a torchlight procession of lads 
in boating costume. 

The girls join her and group themselves gracefully near the 
window. 

Girls (excitedly). Oh! how nice! splendid! jolly! why, it 
must be intended for us. 

The Qqs. huddle themselves gloomily together, forming a group 
nearly opposite, but nearer the audience, and whisper to, and 
gesticulate at, one another, greatly incensed. The students, 
headed by a baud of music, pass the window in bocding costume 
and bearing torches, singing, as they march, the following song 
in full chorus. 

It was Alpha and Omega came together, 

One night in the middle of the snow, 
And this Alpha who had found a little feather 

Which he to that Omega wouldn't show : 
So Omega, waxing wild as a Circassian, 

Gave forth three excrutiating crows, 
Whereat Alpha, in ungovernable passion, 

Yelled back with a clipper on his nose ! 
Yelled back with a clipper, 
Yelled back with a clipper, 

Yelled back with a clipper on his nose ! 

It was Pi, a most insinuating fellow, 
Though crusty, as everybody knows, 

And, beside, become bewilderingly mellow, 
Gave three more exasperated crows : 



32 

Whereon, Kappa, Gamma, Delta unto Zeta, 

Rash words most infuriating said ; 

And Epsilon a beating got from Beta, 

And Lambda a lamming on the head ! 

And Lambda a lamming, 

And Lambda a lamming, 

And Lambda a lamming on the head ! 

But Iota overdipt into the crystal 

Of roistering shops around the road, 
Drew a dapper and depopulating pistol, 

And remorselessly fired off his load ; 
Whence Omicron, Rho and Chi came curling at him, 

Like cats, caterwaulingly, and how 
Bearded Upsilon and Theta counterbat him, 

Which brings on a universal row ! 
Which brings on a uni- 
Which brings on a uni- 

Which brings on a universal row ! 

So it chanced that when the judgment of their betters 

Was passed on this academic gale, 
That young Alpha took the head of all the letters, 

And Omega was degraded to the tail ; 
And the frowning old professors in their study, 

Stand squared and belligerently set, 
When but mention it is made, however muddy, 

Of blood in the Grecian Alphabet ! 
Of blood in the Grecian, 
Of blood in the Grecian, 

Of blood in the Grecian Alphabet ! 

The procession having passed, the sound of the music gradually 
diminishes, and, is finally lost in the distance. Friscilla and 
the other girls leave the windoiv, and approach the Qqs., try- 
ing to pacify them in dumb shoiv. 
Pris. (to Psychological Qq.) Now, sunbeam, didn't I tell 

you so? What reason was there for your making all that fuss 

over a little innocent recreation ? 



33 

Pysc. Qq. Innocent recreation ! I tell you that chorus is as 
full of stratagems and spoils as a charnel-house of horrors 
(a yell in the distance). There — there it goes ! 

Another yell, followed by the noise of rioting, is heard. The Qqs. 
rush to the arched window and look out, while the girls, going 
towards it, group themselves separately, and seem to be de- 
lighted, in dumb show, behind the backs of the Qqs., at some- 
thing ~PRisciijLkco)nmunicates in ivlrispers. 

Psyc. Qq. (still looking out of the ivindow). There they are 
in the Campus, rushing towards the entrance of the main 
building. Julius Caesar, what a row! (The noise increases, and 
an a 1 arm bell in the College begins to toll.) Quackquas, the time 
for action has come ! We must don the mortar-caps and robes 
of authority, that we may pestle them into paste and grind 
them into powder. (Pointing to the lightedwindoiv in the College, 
building). The gown-room is lit. We must take the back- 
stairs and get there before them, hastening slowly, according to 
our great maxim. Form into line behind me, and to steady 
your nerves, before swooping down like falcons on their quarry, 
fling your war-song to the winds ! 

They march around the stage, singing : 

We are the sons of the Great Quackqua, 
Great Quackqua! Greak Quackqua, 
From the crooks of the Poles to the realms of the Shah, 
"Realms of the Shah ! Realms of the Shah ! 

Tiralira-la-la ! 
No man man can stand up who shall say us nay, 
Or put his proboscis across our way ; 
For with book and with bell, 
And a mighty ground swell, 
On his head and his heels 
And his cups and his meals, 
With terrific eclat ! 
We shall open the seals 
And launch the anathema, 
Ha-hah ! 



34 

We shall open the seals, 
And launch the anathema ! 

The noise of the riot increases, and the bell tolls more rapidly and 

loudly. 

Psyc. Qq. Now, for the tiger's spring ! " The bell invites us." 
If we are dead, then, indeed, shall all the dead languages sup- 
port us. Mass your Latin noun substantives into solid col- 
umns. Let the Greek verbs be deployed, as light skirmishers, 
at the front. The Arabic to the cavalry and the commissary 
wagons ; and, if the worse comes to the worst, we hold the 
Hebrew and the Sanscrit, indefinitely, in reserve. Preserve 
your wigs ! {They snatch off their ivigs, a,nd exhibit their bald 
heads.) Sophocles to the rescue ! Anthropos and a thrust ! 
Euripides and a rush ! 

[Exeunt Qqs., in mock-tragic manner, reaving their wigs. 

Pets, (to the Little Fathers and Mothers). And now, dear little 
parents, that they have gone on this perilous enterprise, won't 
you leave us in possession of the drawing-room, for a half hour 
or so, to console one another by comparing our rings, talking 
over the prospects of our European tour, and telling love- 
secrets generally ? 

Girls. Oh, yes, do ! That's a dear ! Tt would be so nice to 
be just by ourselves, and frolic a little while ! 

Little Fathers and Mothers (speaking together, solemnly). 
You are obedient children, in sore afflction, and need all the 
comfort which can be derived from inspecting diamond rings 
and the discussion of anticipated travel. We shall, therefore, 
go — leaving our blessing behind us ! 

[Exeunt Little Fathers and Mothers, waltzing. 

The noise of the riot and tolling of the bell still continue. 

Pris. Now, girls, the coast is clear. Let us watch at the 
window, to see when the light goes out ! ( They go to the case- 
ment in the rear, and watch the College windoio, the noise of riot- 
ing and sound of bells increasing.) There ! — no — I was mis- 
taken. (The light is extinguished in the College windoio.) 



35 

Girls (together). There it goes — at last ! 

The sounds of rioting and bells cease, and the girls rush about the 
stage, embracing one another in great excitement and delight, 

Pris. Our boys have done it ! The old bears are frozen in. 

First Girl. After being cajoled ! 

Second Girl. And the diamonds and bridal dresses, along 
with the supper, safe and secure ! 

Pris. Yes, and the boys will be here, with the notary and 
the contracts, in an instant, when we shall put on the blessed 
estate of matrimony, without the blessing. (Looking towards 
the side) I hear them coming ! Yes, those are they, and that's 
the minister of the law, as Edwin calls him, marching in front 
of them. 

Grand March. Enter Flipperty Flip, holding twelve documents, 
xoitli broad seals and streaming ribbons attached to them, 
followed by a small boy, comically dressed, rolling a hand- 
bar roiv, wherein is an enormous law-book, stamped, in large 
letters, "Amended Code of Civil Procedure," and behind them, 
Edwin and eleven other youths, all in 'party costume. They 
rush to the girls, who receive them with effusion and cries 
of delight. 

Edw. (to Priscilla). Didn't we do it grandly ? 

Pris. Yes, you are the very king of trumps. 

Edw. But no time is to be lost. Permit me, ladies and 
gentlemen, to introduce to you the uncousecrated secular 
priest who is to immolate us on the altar of Hymen, — my es- 
teemed and distinguished friend, Flipperty Flip, Esquire. 

F. Flip (boiving to the company, advances and sings :) 

I'm a notary public and legal practitioner 
A ward politician and special commissioner, 
The toast of the Press, which, by special desire, 
Still parades me as Flipperty Flip, Esquire ! 
I brandish, at circuit, the shares of the Fates 
And march at the head of the seals of the States : 
I stir up the blood in my party's dissensions, 



36 

And wreck the resolves of its County Conventions : 

By taxable motions my cases are crost, 

Which cumber the record to fatten the cost ; 

And, though dark be the way, and disastrous the load, 

I know every twist of that popular Code ; 

And no enemy foils me but presently feels 

That I grease all the wheels of the Court of Appeals ! 

That I grease all the wheels of the Court of Appeals ! 

That I grease all the wheels of the Court of Appeals ! 

Then come, pretty maids, with your grooms, in a line, 

Without blotting or crease, 
Each contract divine to ensealingly sign, 

At a shilling apiece ! 

At a shilling apiece ! 

At a shilling apiece ! 

GlRLS {talcing shillings out of their purses a7\d singing in chorus) : 

Such contracts divine we should willingly sign, 
At a shilling a line ! 
At a shilling a line ! 
At a shilling a line ! 

They inarch up with their grooms, in solemn procession, to the table 
on which the contracts have been deposited, Mendelssohn s 
" Wedding March," being played on the organ, and,, laying 
down their shillings, severally sign the same. 

F. Flip (to Edwin). I have a pressing engagement, my dear 
fellow, and you must excuse my farther attendance on these 
pleasing festivities. 

Edw. Oh, certainly. 

F. Flip. One word : I noticed a bulldog in the front yard as 
we came in. He smelt me suspiciously and seemed to have 
criminal intentions. Personally, I have no fear of such animals, 
though they endanger coats, and tailors are extortionate. My 
only anxiety is, for that precious volume (pointing to the Code). 
It would never do that the prophesies of its enemies should, 



37 

through me, be accidentally verified, and that it should go to 
the dogs, with all its accumulated and invaluable alterations, 
innovations and annotations. 

Edw. The dog's all right Mr. Flip. I had him chained the 
moment I saw he was loose. 

F. Flip. That's very comforting ; and I thank you both for 
myself and that luminously voluminous repertory of organized 
chaos and revolutionary skill. (Bowing, and addressing com- 
pany.) Friends, I offer you my notarial, professional, political 
and, if I may be allowed the expression, in}- connubial con- 
gratulations and adieux. (Aside.) They can take the racket 
when the old boys find it out ! 

Exit Flipperty Flip, slowly and solemnly, with an expression of 
abstracted thought, followed by the boy, ivith the barrow, to the 
sound of melo dramatic music. 

Edw. (to Priscilla). Now, dearly beloved, I think the best 
thing we can do, before the governors come in, on this critically 
happy occasion, is to sing our own epithalamium. You can aid 
me, and the others will join in the chorus. 

First Boy. But what are we to do when they come ? 

Edw. Bother their coming ? Priscilla and the girls know all 
about it. I'll tell you when we are through the song. (Sings.) 

Oh ! the rapture o'er me stealing, 
Spangled depths of Heaven revealing! 

Pris. And the seignors, grave and hoary, 

Cooped up in second story ! 

Both. Oh ! such trances that we feel, 

All things whirling round a wheel, 

Save a form with snowy trails, 

Silver-winged on balmy gales, 
All. Fair as dreams, 

Fair as dreams, 

Crescent-lighted down the vales ! 

Edw. Oh ! the tender, gleaming glances, 



38 

And bewitching half-advances ! 

Pris. Oh ! the doubters, tripfc and slipping 

Twixt the cupping and the lipping ! 

Both. It is Love unfolding here 

Flowering myrtles to the air ; 
And their presence which inspires 
Such enrapturing desires 

As suffuse, 

As suffuse 
Choired and fired Seraphic lyres ! 

Edw. That's clever and refreshing ; and now, to business ! 
My plan's that we shall darken this room : you (to the girls) put 
down your veils, and represent spirits, while we (to the toys), 

with the masks on, which we used this evening you have 

them, haven't you ? 

Boys. Yes, yes ! 

Edw. Shall personate mediums. It will surprise, if it does 
not scare them, and give their ardor time to cool. There, draw 
out the table. Turn down the light very low, — so, that's right. 
Now, girls, pull down your veils, and stand in a row, on one 
side, with Priscilla in front. And you, boys, put on your masks, 
and stand on the other, behind me. Exactly. This is lovely ! 
Now, we are ready for them ; and I think I hear — yes, I hear 
their footsteps in the hall. 

Enter Psychological and other Qqs., in mortar-caps and pro- 
fessorial gowns, carrying dim Chinese lanterns. They enter 
stealthily, and ivith suspicious circumspection, forming a line 
behind the table, with the Psychological Qq. in advance. 

Psyc. Qq. {raising his lantern). Hah ! what new deviltry is 
this ? (To the girls.) Who are you? 

Girls, (speaking together in a sepulchral voice). Materialized 
spirits ! 

Psyc. Qq. (to the boys). And who are you? 

Boys (together in same tone as girls.) Mediums, who commu- 
nicate, through them, with the Heavenly spheres ! 

Psyc. Qq. What are you all doing here ? 



39 

Boys and Girls {toy ether). Haunted house ! 

Pstc. Qq. (to the other Qqs.) Let us test the spirits. (To the 
Mediums.) If these are spirits of light, why do they exhibit in 

the dark? 

Boys (together) Sore eyes! 

Psyc. Qq. Do they speak from themselves, or are they in- 
spired by a higher power ? 

Boys (together). Higher power ! 

Psyc. Qq. Who is he ? 

Boys (together). You shall hear. (Raps are heard in the di- 
rection of the table.) 

Psyc. Qq. What does that mean ? 

Girls (together). The spirit of William Shakespeare is 
present. 

Psyc. Qq. Why, that's monotonous ! He's always turning 
up ; and seems to be as fond of tables as if he had been a 
cabinet-maker. 

Girls (together). The spirit is displeased with that sarcastic 
remark. 

Psyc. Qq. Well, I beg his pardon. Please to ask him what 
has brought us here. 

Girls (together). Little game ! 

Psyc. Qq. The deuce, it is ! Then our dark suspicions are 
true ; and this riot was all 

Girls (together). A farce! 

Psyc. Qq. "Oh, my prophetic soul ! " Then, it is our flesh 
and blood — our ungrateful children, who have played us this 
vile trick : taken our brides and substituted veiled and ques- 
tionable goblins in their places. May the wretches be forever 
mocked and reviled by their own progeny, that 

" They may know 
How sharper than a serpent's child it is, 
To have a thankless tooth ! " 

Girls (together). The spirit says, that last observation is not 
original, but was stolen from him, and spoilt in the stealing. 

Psyc. Qq. Then Horace was right — curbed be they who 
have said our sayings before us ! One word more : what has 



40 

been done by these ingrates? 

Girls (together). They have married your promised brides. 

Psyc. Qq. Hah ! Have they ventured to make game of the 
Patriarchs? How dared they do it? 

Girls (together). Because they were promised to them be- 
fore. 

Psyc. Qq. Where's the proof ? They couldn't get a clergy- 
man. 

Girls {together). Civil contracts, now produced for your in- 
spection. (Pkiscilla holds them out from under the folds of her 
dress, ichere they had been hidden, and Psychological Qq. takes 
them.) 

Psyc. Qq. (after reading and showing other Qqs.) We are, in- 
deed, utterly outwitted. But, how about the diamond rings? 

Girls (together, and loudly), It is certain that they are not 
going to be returned ! 

The Boys and Girls throw off their masks and veils, and the 
light is suddenly turned on. 

Psyc. Qq. Ah, vipers ! do you dare to brave the lions in 
their own drawing-room ? 

Edw. We do, father. 

Psyc. Qq. What have you to say, sir? 

Edw. This. You are instructors of youth and teachers of 
public morality. In a set of resolutions which you recently 
passed, and of which this is the original writing, you aitirm as 
follows, (reads) : " Resolved, That what is called the Golden 
Rule has, so far as known, never prevailed among his aforesaid 
ancestry of any kind (meaning monkeys) ; but, on the con- 
trary, the wiser one : every monkey, first and last, entirely 
and under all circumstances for himself; and we are thereby 
authorized to infer, that the mysterious and, as yet, undis- 
covered animal before mentioned, invariably did the same 
thing." You have given us the precept. Behold, the example ! 

Pris. But there is something besides. You solemnly as- 
sured us that you were childless widowers, when, in fact, you 
had grown sons ; and the whole contract was vitiated by the 
false representation. 



41 

Psyc. Qq. (to the other Qqs.) Well, there's some truth in all 
that. What do you say — shall we forgive them ? 
Qqs. Yes ! yes ! yes ! 

The Girls and Boys form in the centre. The Qqs. march 
around them singing. 

Oh ! it is hard when an ancient has tenderly 
Caught to his bosom a vision so slenderly, 
Thus to be dropt in tlie gutter surprisingly, 
And to be splashed witn mud ! 
Tramp ! tramp ! tramp ! 

The sorrowful Slaves of the Lamp ! 
Tramp ! tramp ! tramp ! 

The sorrowful Slaves of the Lamp ! 
Then Qqs. form in the center, and boys and girls march around 

them, singing : 

They have been cheated by children undutiful, 
And overmatched in their love of the beautiful ; 
And though the dads are exceedingly sorrowful, 
Still they should not complain ! 

Sing ! sing ! sing ! 
The jubilant Slaves of the Ring ! 

Sing ! sing ! sing ! 
The jubilant Slaves of the King ! 
Peis. (to Qqs.) Aye, but we are not throu gh with you, yet ! 
We said we would turn you to roosters. 

(Groans from the Qqs.) 

Psyc. Qq. We cry your mercy, fair lady ! Science has no 
arms against the sorcery of your sex. 

Peis. Well, you are jolly old cocks after all ; and the literal 
fact seems to obviate the interposition of art. But still, I can 
only forego the transformation on one condition. 

Qqs. Speak ! What is it ? 

Peis. Oh, something unexactingly mild. Simply that you will 
unite in the chorus to a song which I now propose to sing, in 
celebration of the happy termination of these extraordinary 
nuptials. 



42 

Qqs. We promise ! we promise ! 

Enter little fathers and mothers.] 

Little Fathers and Mothers. What is this ? 
Pris. We have married the sons, with the consent of the 
fathers — that's all. A fair exchange and no robbery. 

Pris. sings. 

When all the planets, at midnight, are wondering, 

Up in their beamy beats of blue, 
Wliy the policemen are busily blundering, 

What they have got to do ; 
And tipsy buds of the revel are tasselling, 

Tresses bedecked with flashing dew, 
Roosters are heard, in the midst of the wassailing, 

Cooka-ra-coo — coo, coo ! ( Very distant.) 
Cooka-ra-coo — coo, coo ! Cooka-ra-coo, coo, coo ! {Nearer.) 

Cooka-ra-coo — coo, coo ! (Still- nearer.) 
C — o — o ! {Long and loud.) 

Cooka-ra-coo — coo, coo ! {Loud and many crowing.) 

When early hucksters to market are traveling, 

Moving their produce, old and new ; 
And little piemen are drowsily babbling, 

Something that's good for you ; 
Then, in the midst of the ringing and rumbling, 

Over the cart-wheels wabbling through, 
Boosters awakened, are graciously grumbling, 

Cooka-ra-coo — coo, coo ! ( Very dista7it.) 
Cooka-ra-coo — coo, coo ! Cooka-ra-coo — coo, coo ! {Nearer.) 

Cooka-ra-coo— coo, coo ! {Still nearer.) 
C — o — o ! (Long and loud.) 

Cooka-ra-coo — coo, coo ! (Loud and many crowing.) 

They all dance, the Qqs. farcically convulsed in their violent at- 
tempts at crowing. Curtain falls. 
the end. 



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